How I Stopped Using Bad Cell Phone Etiquette

Hello my name is Stuart and I’m a recovering cell phone jerk. It has been one year since I last disobeyed the basic tenets of cell phone etiquette.

My parents brought me up well and taught me to be courteous and respectful to others. Normally I’m a polite and dashing young fellow, with oodles of charm and a rapier wit. However, there is a little switch inside my brain that turns me into a complete ass, whenever I get a vibration in my pants or I hear the Grand Vals excerpt.

See I love my phone because it allows me to keep in touch with people wherever I may be. It’s a warm glowing feeling knowing that I can be connected to anyone at anytime. Technology is wonderful like that, but like Ben Parker said “With great power comes great responsibility”

So what makes me a total numbskull when I receive a message? Why does a normally private person like myself reveal my most shocking intimate details when I get a call on my cell phone? Well lets take a look at some common offenses and see what I’m guilty of:

• The jackass at the movies who couldn’t bear to turn his phone off for 2 hours? That was me.
• The idiot walking down the street compiling a text message, oblivious to traffic and other obstacles? Guilty.
• The moron in line at the coffee shop shouting because the reception wasn’t too good? Got the t-shirt.
• The simpleton with the annoying ring-tone that he thinks is too cool so he lets it play a little longer before answering? I wrote the book on that one.
• The nitwit on the highway driving 80 m.p.h swerving between lanes doing because he’s trying to use the keypad? I still have the points on my license.
• The plebeian with multiple devices clipped to his belt like he’s some kind of cell phone Batman? Me too.
• The blockhead in the bathroom cubicle chattering away while doing number 2′s? You got it.
• The fool that takes a call during coitus? Ahem.
• The twit that cuts you off mid sentence to take a call? I never did get that job.
• The clown that makes a point of placing his phone on the restaurant table so everyone knows how important he is? I’ll get fries with my foie gras.
• The crumb bum that still thinks his phone is a status symbol although everyone has one nowadays? I’ll take the phone with the biggest co-branded logo please.
• The nincompoop that stands in front of you at a concert waving his phone around taking crappy videos to post on YouTube? I was there man.
• The wingnut using his phone in the gentleman’s club to get some snaps of the stripper’s naughty bits? Had my arm in a cast for 6 weeks.
• The helmet who needs a Bluetooth headset in each ear to prove how busy and important he is? I harbour a secret Jack Bauer fetish.
• The pudding head who uses his phone in an elevator and then proceeds to say things like “I can’t hear you I’m in an elevator”? Busted again.

As you can see I’ve been a real asshat throughout my cellular life. It wasn’t until an intervention from my girlfriend that I realized what a dink I was on the mobile. It came during her brother’s wedding ceremony. My phone starts going off, it was probably Crazy Frog. Naturally I had to take this call being it was a Saturday and I was missing the soccer results. I was just about to hit answer when I caught the death glare of my beloved, decked out like a polyester princess in her bridesmaid gown. I quickly hit mute and switched off the phone. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Let’s just say the rest of my evening wasn’t that much fun. After a few days of worming my way back into her affections I was given an ultimatum: get rid of the phone or you can kiss these puppies goodbye. Of course I couldn’t lose my beloved phone, as I do actually use it for business, so a comprised had to reached.

On reflection I came to realize that 95% of my calls weren’t even that important. Sure there’s those times when you have to be available at the drop of a hat but seriously most things can wait a little. It’s easy to find time to excuse yourself, pull over to the side of the road or find a secluded spot to make a call. It’s not that hard to show a little courtesy to the people around you, who really don’t care about your opinions on the collective creative genius of Britney and Paris. So I developed a 12 Step Program to help me use better cell phone etiquette:

1. Admit you are powerless to your phone’s sleek lines and full color display, your life is worthless
2. Accept a power greater than yourself will save you. The greater power that saved me is the sobering bill I receive from my carrier each month.
3. Delete all ex-girlfriend’s / ex-boyfriend’s numbers. No more drunken texting for you Bucko! It’s over get over it.
4. Vibrate your ass on out of here. If you’ve got to take an important call at the theather switch it vibrate and leave the auditorium. Dude, don’t spoil the $8 I spent to see this awesome Aston Kutcher movie.
5. Use a good old fashion lighter during that power ballad. That white screen on your phone looks like crap at a concert.
6. Belt clips? WTF?
7. Stop touching your ear. Have you got an infection? Do you need a Q-Tip? Face it kids Bluetooth headsets are for suits.
8. Make a list of all the people we have harmed and text them a funny joke to cheer them up. (Damn I’m trying to clean up my act here)
9. Stop lying that your battery level is low. If you need to make expensive long-distance call do not borrow a friends mobile.
10. Think before you snap. Don’t take photos of car crashes and send them to your friends while speeding past. If you see a car crash pull over get out of your car, take the photos, send them to your friends, then you can drive away.
11. Resign to the fact that an interchangeable faceplate will not pimp out your phone. You may think a red, gold and green phone with big marijuana leaf on it is cool but trust me it’s lame.
12. Turn it off. No, I’m serious turn it off right this very second. Now look at the clouds and listen to the birds. Now isn’t that nice? See the world didn’t end. OK you can turn it back on now, don’t want it off too long just in case the world does end.

Well that’s my confession over and everyday I came a little closer to not being such a goofball on the phone. I hope you have enjoyed my story and it’s many embellishments. You seriously didn’t think I’m that big of jerk did you? Good cell phone etiquette is easily achieved but we all have our brain fart moments and these can’t always be helped. If you are guilty of being a cell phone jerk or you have any drunken text message stories please do share.

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